Married, Not Miserable

I want to be completely honest here.  Until this morning, I wasn’t certain I’d be back.  I was contemplating shutting Teacups and Tabbies down for a dozen reasons.  But I really enjoy the comments I get, particularly from fellow bloggers.  I like watching the traffic increase when I post something new.  It’s thrilling to know I have readers and comforting for me to just write what is on my mind.  I’ve kept a journal since I was about 7 or 8 and this blog is an extension of my journaling – a much more exciting extension because I can incorporate pictures and interact with others.  There is also some hope in me still to use this outlet as a way to spark inspiration for my fictional work.  So here I am.  After two weeks in Hawaii and three weeks back into the real world, I’m ready to share again.

Let me begin by answering the two questions I’ve been getting constantly since I made it back to the East Coast.  The honeymoon was amazing and married life is great.  Now to answer the unasked:  No, I’m not just saying that.

Everywhere we go, older married couples (and a few young ones) have been welcoming us to the club of the miserably married.  But they don’t understand that we’re not members of that club and don’t expect to be.  Pressures of society aside, we’re very happy.  I think that’s something that most people forget to do – separate their feelings as impressed upon by the working world (whether it’s blue or white) from their relationship.  I’m fully aware that one affects the other, but that can be limited (even avoided) if you try.

Not to offend, but it seems to me that most people start falling victim to self-pity which wears away at everything around them.  And, as the saying goes, “misery loves company.”  But just because they’re miserable, doesn’t mean we are or will be.  M and I will not be company for the miserably married.  Marriage doesn’t mean everything changes.  Selfishness means everything changes.

M and I have been together for 4 years and 7 months.  For 3 1/2 years of that we’ve lived together.  For 1 month and 7 days, we’ve been officially husband and wife. The surprises and mysteries are pretty much out of the way.  The bathroom door is open more often than it is closed, the lights are typically on, and there’s no hinting around things because that requires more patience than either of us (particularly me) have.  We’ve cleaned up each others’ puke.  We’ve washed each others’ dirty laundry.  We’ve supported each other through some rough family times (deaths and feuds).  We’ve managed to pay off debt, put money away, and buy our first house together.

Now I’m not naive.  I know that we can never fully know someone – that people change.  I think that is important to remember.  Perhaps one day M will change, but I love him and I vowed even before I married him to love him for better or worse.  That’s what real love is.  It’s not as simple as princes and happily ever afters.  You sacrifice and bend.  You endure.  You learn new ways to fall in love with your spouse.  But you have to separate the world outside from the world inside.

My former Tae Kwon Do master, Bob, who married us, brought this up during an evening discussion about vows and marriage.  It was a very valid and crucial point.  He said:  “No one is in this marriage except you two.”  No one except M and me – just the two of us.  Our employers are not in this marriage, our coworkers are not in this marriage, our family is not in this marriage, the jerk that cut us off on the road is not in this marriage, the neighbor and her dog who poops in our yard is not in this marriage, politicians are not in this marriage, even the bank is not in this marriage (although that line blurs easily if you’re not careful).  There will be things we have to face in the future that will try us, but if we face those things together, we’ll be ok.  We don’t have to be miserable.

If 4 years and 7 months in we still have tickle fights under the sheets, or talk an hour after the lights go out, or smooch in the car like teenagers, or dance in the kitchen together when a favorite song airs on the radio…I know a simple marriage license won’t suddenly make those delights vanish.  Call it newly wed syndrome or whatever, but M still chases me up the stairs giggling and we still steal kisses in front of company.  I dream it will always be this way, even enduring children, but it won’t be without constant consideration of each other. You can’t be selfish if you want love to keep blooming.  You can’t be selfish if you want to be happy.

A quick word on when children come along…it’s obvious things will change, but if we strive to remain considerate of each other, squeezing in time for each other no matter how tired we are, we can ride the surf rather than drown in it.  I found this article about marriage & kids by Terri Cettina on CNN to be very smart and right on.  “…you don’t have to choose between a happy marriage and happy, secure kids.  By having the first, you’re likely to get the second as well.”

For all the trouble and stress I went through in the planning stages, our wedding day turned out to be a hit.  Thanks to the following people:

Mrs. June, mom’s friend – she saved my dress

the dress, by mon cheri 'elisa'

Mrs. Donna, my parents’ neighbor – she turned my wholesale flowers from fiftyflowers.com into gorgeous bouquets

bouquet, photo by Jesse Wrae Smith

keeping the bouquets cool

Helen, my cousin – my jewelry was stunning and caught so much attention

Aunt Brenda – what a beautiful cake, it fit my personality to a T

our wedding cake by aunt brenda

Remember this cute topper I bought from RedLightStudio on Etsy?

Mom – her Italian cookies were, as always, the prize of the night (and gone in a wink to some very happy tummies)

Erin, my cousin’s wife – my unruly hair actually held its curls for once

Aunt Darlene and Uncle Mark – the reception tent was adorable (also thanks to Manor Tavern’s coordinator Terry – a true sweetheart)

example of tables

look up

Erin, coordinator at Our Lady of Grace – the music for our ceremony flowed just as I dreamed it would

inside Our Lady of Grace at Gunpowder Falls

DJs – Main Event kept our dance floor packed!

Manor Catering – everyone raved about the large portions and great taste (both uncommon at most weddings)

Manor Catering's Chicken Jessica Dish

Borrowed Blue – pictures are in and the girls did a wonderful job capturing the feel of our special day (they were also so nice and laid back to work with)

Most importantly, our parents, who supported and helped in so many ways.  It wouldn’t have been possible without them.

And of course our guests made our day special because they came out to be with us.  There’s no doubt it would have been easier to elope and have a small party later.  We would have enjoyed that too, I’m sure.  But I can’t say for certain that I’d do it any differently now that it’s done.  We really did have a beautiful day.  The weather started out misty, progressed to a down pour during our ceremony, but just before we stepped outside of the church, the rain stopped and the sun came out full force.  It turned out to be a magical midsummer eve.

Next entry I’ll share a little about Hawaii and the books I read while I enjoyed the smell of palm trees and sun lotion.  I would like to even discuss more about love, delving into an example of how it is possible to keep falling in love.  Also on the way, some pictures revealing the little details of the wedding and the views of paradise.  Until then…

All you need