Stepping Back and Staying True

Some of you know that I got offered a freelance position with an up and coming online news site. What you don’t know is that I turned it down. Crazy right? I could be adding a few extra hundred dollars to my monthly income. I could be reestablishing my local fame as a journalist. Getting my name and my writing out there.

I could also be making my life worse.  After three weeks of thinking it over, I decided to back out of the offer (not without leaving the door open). Here’s why:

• I am beyond stressed between my full-time job and grad school.
• I was not impressed with the ethics of the company (oops, there goes that open door).
• I have other ambitions for my future that could be hindered by pursuing some of the coverage asked of me.
• I think I’ve become too opinionated politically to cover anything without bias.

Having worked for a real newspaper, I understand the need to uphold ethics. I registered independent while working as a reporter and I didn’t vote. Occasionally I became emotionally tied to feature pieces and court cases, but I withheld my opinions when I conducted interviews and sat down to write. Eventually, overworked, underpaid and unable to continue holding myself back from my emotions, I took a quieter job.

I remember what I went through. The nightmares, the things I saw behind my eyelids every time I blinked, the thoughts that played around in my head. As thrilling as it was being a journalist, there was no way I could keep going. It would have required me to shutdown emotionally. Because how many pictures of slaughtered kids can you view on a courtroom slide before you become numb or mental? How many crooked politicians can you spend time talking to for a good article? How many letters from jail can you stand to open?

Under a new online news source, I’m not really sure what kind of protection I’d have from the nut jobs who like to sue either. So why put myself through it all again? Especially when I’m already struggling to find time for my life.

Americans work way too many hours a week. Work becomes more important than our spouses or our children or ourselves. I get chastised for not having a sparkling clean house, but after a long day and school work all I want to do is spend time with my husband and our three cats. Or spend time with myself pursuing my hobbies. Laundry can wait until tomorrow. Dishes can wait until tomorrow. And I don’t believe in bringing work home or working overtime. I don’t want to be one of the majority who divorce because they didn’t spend enough time appreciating their relationship. I don’t want to be one of the majority on antidepressants. I don’t want to be one of the majority who grows old having never achieved her dreams.

My dreams do not revolve around my job. Yes, I have ambitions. My job is important and it affords me my lifestyle. Yes, I work hard while I’m on the job and I’m determined to succeed in it – but not at the cost of what I really want:

Life.

You know, that thing where you get to enjoy the laughter of your children, cherish the smiles of your spouse, smell the delicate honeysuckle while taking a hike or the wonders you uncover on a day trip. That thing where you hear the birds sing, feel the sand between your toes, get lost in a really amazing book, pick up a paint brush and create something beautiful. That thing where you thrive in the warmth of your spouse’s shoulder as you watch movies together, the cats (or dog) curled up on your lap. That thing where you dance with your spouse in the kitchen while making breakfast and the music is playing. I could go on.

That’s what I want. Not the stress piled on more stress. And, heck, I want to be true to myself. I want to feel what I feel (while educated). But I don’t want to take what I feel and spew it on the world, telling them what to believe like so many commentators do these days. People mistake that for news and that’s not what it is.

I just want to live my life, be happy, love, enjoy my family, take in all of the sights and sounds and smells of nature while I have time.

One thing that has come out of this though is the realization that I should begin to create a professional presence for myself online as a writer. Hence the small changes to this blog. Eventually I’ll move to my own site (with the help of my wonderfully talented husband who is a web designer and computer science major). Until then, you’ll find me here when time allows me to post thoughts about writing, book reviews, and pictures of my cats.

I hope more people realize that life is not about working ourselves to the bone. It is about love and enjoying what we have. If you want more out of life, the balance needs to be shifted a little more toward taking life slow instead of burning through the minutes doing things we don’t particularly enjoy just because we think that is what is expected of us.

“To thine own self be true.” – Shakespeare